Long time no see.
It's me writing again, for you.

A quite long time has passed, just like how wind blows. There are so many thoughts in my mind and it tortures me, knowing that I don't know how to let things go, out of my mind. I realize that everything's over and I've moved on. I forgot you, but no matter how hard I try, you have that 'special' kind of thing, in which I lay my love on. No problem, I can handle it.

Things have been so much easier as I decided to accept and face the reality, the. I'm truthfully tired, physically and mentally, of thinking, and thinking and thinking. When I was thinking about our good old days, what I could remember were only the bitter memories, the. I don't know where the good ones go. However, everytime I find them in the place they are hiding, I still feel the pain. Don't ask me the reason, because it's too painful and I can't explain. --- The sky gets more cloudy but the pain in my heart is slowly being healed. The rain may haven't stopped but it has turned into raindrops.

Thank you for the past 2 years (or less). It's still you. I love you, then and now. However I can't promise you 'forever'. It's pretty long and it's pretty painful without you. Lets not walk together but lets say hi if we accidentally bump into each other someday.

Sincerely, me.

New Road?

Even since the day you were born, trust me or not, you may had felt the feeling of pain. You also sometimes had no idea how to deal with pain, how to solve the problem and how to figure out what happened. The one thing that you have to know is, everything is temporary. So, if a good thing happens, appreciate it. And if a bad thing happen, don't fall too deeply into a depression, because it won't last forever anyway. Although to deal with a long period of pain isn't easy, though you sometimes might come to a point where you don't even feel anything anymore, just keep moving, don't stop there.

Though I don't believe in happy endings, I know everything will get better. Even if it will take years but time will definitely heal. Besides, there are also some pains that can be healed but can't be erased. I mean, once you're hurt by someone and you forgive them, you may think it's over. But honey, it doesn't, since pains left scars. I bet you know how hard it is to erase the scars which sometimes will remain a lifetime.


So dear you, we may don't talk anymore, we may have stopped calling each others' names, but trust me, I still love you with all of my heart. There were also times when I said that I will forget you and I hate you. But I did. I did try to forget you, and until right now, I'm still trying, but how come it doesn't work? I did hate you but how come my love is stronger?

And hey, almost everyday, they ask me about you. They asked whether I've forgotten you already or not when they know the truth. So I had to lie that I have forgotten you and everything about us, because darling, it's so painful to talk about past. I really can't deal with that one. It kills me. That's why I've always kept my mouth shut when they talked about you.

Anyway, a very happy birthday to you. I pray that every path that you have chosen will be waged by God. Every road that you take will be filled with happiness. And if you're going trough bad times, know that things don't last forever. Neither the good or bad ones. Geez, I look like a pro but trust me, it may not be easy, but things will get better.

Go make some wishes then blow up the candles. I love you and God bless. Once again, happy birthday, the! xx

just why

They think it's okay to talk about you in front of me. They think I'm okay with all the talks they've always talked about you, but I'm just hiding behind my laugh. Trying not to cry while you're laughing is no joke. I'm dying of it.

I'm not good at writing and expressing my feelings into words, but lemme try to get this out. Baby, it has been 75 days and I still can feel those butterflies on my tummy when I'm thinking of you, yet I also can't deny that it hurts to think about you, since you're so far away from me. I wonder if you ever think of me at night, I wonder if you still remember me or not, I wonder if you are okay or not.

The lids of my eyes sometimes get swollen in the morning, every tears wasted. My lungs feel so tight that sometimes, I'm not able to breathe well. If only you knew, how much it still fucking hurts me.

I thought it would be easy, thought that it wouldn't be this painful, this long, this hard. How could things got so far away from my expectation?

p.s: It hurts me more painful than the word painful itself. I miss you, ts.

Should I Start Over?

Everything that I've been afraid of, has come. The day we last met. I don't know if I should be happy or otherwise. I really have no right to tell you what to do. The path that you chose, I believe that's what you want & no matter how much I deny it, it's real which is undeniable. You may have never thought how it feels to walk on my shoes, to be in my position, but I had thought of how much you were hurting because of her. I still remember it clearly that the real pain started at that time. I stood by you when you only looked at her, kept insisting till you said it for like a million times that you liked her, and you wanted her. I stood by you for so long. Before you got close to her, before you got further from me.

Now, there's nothing that I can expect from you. Not even an "I miss you" or an "I'll come back, just wait." All I want is you, to be happy. It's okay for me that you're not by my side but you would never believe me that, it hurts me even more to see you sad. It's like half of myself is being destroyed. Never thought that I'd really come this far, until the end. I thought it would last for just 6 months, but I do keep my promise that I would be here till the end, right? I said, I would see you standing happy when everything has been settled, didn't I? I don't even break that promise until this time. I really did, I saw you smiling yesterday with a big smile on your face, which symbolized your true happiness. I couldn't help myself that it didn't make me forget you but made me fall for you harder. Yes, that smile. That pretty, gorgeous smile on your face.

Right now that you're just going to start a new chapter in your life, I should do the same thing too. I will have a life without any kind of our memories that haunt me, without the thought of you that keeps following me around, without the painful pain that kills me. I will have that kind of life. No matter how much time will it take, how painful it would be to keep going forward, how much tears that will fall down from my eyes, I believe that time will heal everything. That no matter how much it takes to get there, I'll risk everything.


p.s : the, that right now I really have nothing to say but I really wish you a new, a very beautiful journey ahead. without the feeling of being forgotten, the thought of being replaced, the fear that haunts you. I wish you a succeed and a better future. we'll meet again soon, right? by the way, I love you still.

promise me that you won't forget me?

Everything

You were right,

I'm out of my mind.

I shouldn't have noticed you.

I shouldn't have loved you since the beginning.

Those mean words that hurt me,

Those painful acts that broke me down,

Those cynical gazes at me that made me insecure,

I didn't mind it all since you're happy.

But do you know?

I'm also not a home where you can come and go whenever you want to.

I'm not a doll whom you can be playing around with.

Do you realize that?

My heart wasn't made by an iron.

My feeling wasn't a game.

However, you hadn't appreciated what I gave you.

Not even for a moment.

Counted on my courage too much to love you is nonsense.

I shouldn't have blamed you for this.

Because everything that I gave you, is never enough.

Everything.

-grf.

I Love You

Well, call me a fool. Call me whatever you want. Because to be honest, I really can't get you out of my mind. I had lost my feelings but suddenly you came back into my life and also bring back all of the feelings that I don't want to feel anymore.

I didn't feel the feeling I used to feel about you anymore, but you suddenly appeared and changed everything. I know you have no feelings for me, you have no intention to catch me if someday I fall. I know you don't feel the way I feel about you and I bet you don't know how much I was trying to throw away all of my feelings.

I kept on avoiding you, I tried not to look at you when you're right in front of my fucking eyes. Now, I'm dying just to get you out of my head, my mind and my heart. I'm suffering because of the unbearable pain you left. I keep feeling insecure because I'm haunted by the memories you left. I don't know where should I go. Left or right. Because all of the path I've chosen is same. There's no road that I can walk on without feeling the pain in my heart.


And lately, I kinda saw you in my dreams. I think it's due to the thought of you in my head. I don't have anyone to blame tho. The worst part is you bring the feelings back right before you're going to leave soon. You really are unpredictable. I once read a quote saying "be careful of smart guys", but stupidly I looked down on that quote and regret it now. However, somehow, I love you, the.

Here it is 👇

I still have the right to be happy, right? Literally, I'm so tired of keeping everything in my heart. I don't know how to explain how I feel to the world. I'm jealous of everyone who has the ability to tell their bestfriends or their parents or to the world how they really feel. I just can't do it. Either I don't know how or I don't want to. Everyone may thinks that I'm fool because I don't want anyone else to know how I feel. The reasons are only two. The first is; I know, they're just curious about my problems but they don't really care. The second is; I don't want anyone to know my weakness side, or my breaking point which gives them a chance to hurt me over and over again. I'd rather be judged as a heartless than showing them how I really feel.