If Only You Knew, Would You Care?

"He won't care"
"It will be useless if you told him how do you feel about him"
"You're nothing to him"
Those words have been running trough my mind lately. I know that how much I struggle to tell you how much I love you, it will be useless.
I've always been trying to let all of these things go but yeah it hurts like hell and you're always the one that make me feel  unable to let all these things go.
What matters now is the way I control my feelings. If this always happens every single day, I don't know what would I be. Gosh help me.
They. I mean, that girl. She always makes me jealous of herself. No, I don't hate her. Not at all and yes, she has nothing to do with me unless she hurts you.
Today aka your day. I can't say anything besides putting your name in every line of my prayer. May your day, starting today will always be a good year, a blessed year and may your day will always filled by happiness ahead.

I'm with you, although I don't have tons of chances to be with you.
I'm praying for you, although you don't even care.
I'm still in love with you, although you always make me as a broken-hearted girl.
I still cry for you, fall for you and care for you without your request.

p.s: may God bless you in every step you take. I wish you all the best.

-your secret admirer xx

thank you ☺

I can say that these past few weeks have been perfectly hard. I know that's all my mistake for keeping this feeling in my heart, for not letting you know about this, for being so selfish. I've known that since the first time I met you, I can never control this feeling and it would be this hard to love you but I've been ready for that. That's why I choose to keep this feeling in my heart, and the second reason is i know, you love her and if I told you how much I love you, you'll feel burdened. Maybe.
I've been thinking about this lately while I'm depressed "if I really mean nothing to you, why should I keep holding onto you?"

What hurts me to the fullest is until you have no idea how much I've always wanted you to stay and say "can you just stay here for a little bit longer?"

Does she love you better than I do? Does she care about you better than I've ever done? Is she willing enough to wait for you and getting hurt over and over again? I know, she's much good-looking than me, smarter than me, taller than me but she can never love you better than I've ever done, I mean better than I do.

I can see the way you look at me. I'm not that special. I can feel the way you call my name. No, you don't call it with love. I can hear the way you talk and you don't mean it. Okay, but it's not problem at all. I'm getting used to it. Is it the time that I should say "goodbye?"

p.s: i wish you take my hand and say "don't worry. i may be leaving, but my heart stays."

"Galau terus." they told me.
Less than 232 days left.

I knew these day would come, it doesn't matter how much I wished they wouldn't come and they have always asked me to let him go, to move on but I've always answered I won't do that, this time. The reason isn't because of I'm acting like I'm a tough bitch when inside, I'm completely broken. No, not at all but because I'm not strong enough to move on when we're still in a same building almost everyday. Isn't it seemed painful?
I'm completely in love with you. How could you do that? I mean, without doing anything, you can make me smile uhm, 'cant make me control my smile' actually. Do you see that? The way I'm trying to hide my smile when I'm walking next to you, when accidentally we meet while walking in an opposite direction or the way I look at you or even the way we talk? I know you don't :-)
It's actually hard to hold on because I know I'm gonna lose you in less than a year. I'm sorry for loving you too much but I'm also always trying not to love you anymore but it hurts like hell because you're still there. I think what they told me about this, is perfectly right "you thought you've moved on, but then he's there and you can't breathe."

Stupid really. I know almost nothing about you. Your hobbies, your favorite colors, your favorite subject or whatever it is. The only thing I know, is you're a naughty boy, a smart guy, a gentle-man.

p.s: you gave me so much to remember.