Vin —

It's hard without you. It is empty and silent, much worse than I expected.

I haven't adjusted to going through days without you. I miss how you never missed asking me "how was today?" I miss waking up to your good morning texts, which as long as I remember, were the only good thing to start my day right. I miss being upset because you were always the one who fell asleep first when I still wanted to talk to you all night. 

I miss you being all bubbly about funny TikTok Videos. I miss you being stubborn for insisting on driving all the way from SCBD to Depok at night to pay me a visit to the hospital when I clearly told you there was no need to. I miss catching you being sleepy during our call and how you sugarcoated that you were not (was funny though). I miss you saying get well soon all the time as I ranted so much about my work. I miss you validating how tired I was every day and never once judged me for it.

God, I wrote everything in the past tense, making me realize that Vin — we are really over. Still, I miss you. 

p.s: seems like we would not get the chance to watch that Winnie the Pooh at the end, would us? anyway, good night, Vin. do not let the bed bugs bite. xx

My Everything

The day I was born to this world, I couldn't choose which way to go. There was this hand of a lovely person who got me into a world full of beautiful possibilities. He has kept on holding my hand and kept on telling me that he's always right there. He is never willing to let me give up on my dreams.

He is my dad. The one who always picks me up when I'm down, the one who never complains about anything that happens, the one who never shows when he's sad and down, the one who helps me believe in my dreams, the one who always loves me, and the ONLY one who thinks that I can when the whole world including myself knows that I can't.

Daddy, let me stregthen you in all the obstacles you're going through right now. Even if the whole world is pointing its gun on you, I'll be willing to let them pull the trigger on me, NOT you.

Daddy, let me accomplish all our dreams with all the abilities that I have. I promise you a life without tears, so please stay healthy, live a long life, and wait for me. 

You have always been asking me if I love you or not, but I assume you know the answer.

You have always been asking me how do I prove my love for you? Dad, I stay up all night, fighting for my dreams, read those tons of books, join all those tight and tiring competition which sometimes makes me feel like I want to give up. But then I remember how you've always worked hard and never did once you complain, and THAT's what strengthen me. And if you ask me again what proves my love for you, I do everything even the ones that kills me, for the sake of your happiness. 

Daddy, let's go through this and face together. Just like how you've always believed in me, now let me believe in US. Dad, will you please stay strong, for me? ❤️

What is exactly impossibility?

In a dark night, when the stars are shining so brightly, when the breeze blows your hair, how do you overcome your fear?

In a luxurious room full of spaces, where you can dance anyhow you want, how do you handle your moves so that you won't fall?

When you're standing by only one leg without nothing to hold on to, how do you keep steady?

When you're drowning in a deep deep sea, how do you overcome the impossibility to breathe?

Try finding the answer, just don't get lost.

A Jar of Tears

It's suffocating how I always mess things up and how I feel so lonely, even when I'm surrounded by millions of individuals. I swear if I were a type of person who cries easily, I'd run out of tears. 

Knowing how I have to endure these things alone, and the ones who always promised to be there, wasn't actually there. 

"I'll be there whenever you need me," is just a really beautiful lie, which almost everyone can believe in. I just figured out one thing. People change, breaking the promises they made and live a new life, surrounded by new people.

Being a part of a crowded room means nothing but a loneliness. I tend to sit in the corner of the room, hearing people's laughter while I fall down in my deep thoughts, thinking 'bout the circumtances I'm going through, without anyone noticing and no one cares but continue to laugh.

Because being asked why and having to explain everything just worries me more.

Sometimes I just need a shoulder to lean on, and a napkin to wipe my tears. Sometimes I just need to fall down really hard and get up afterwards.

Life is tough, man. You gotta be strong.

Another Step, Another Lesson

So..
Or should I say my greeting first? Hello, then.

I am actually more than blessed to complaint. I sleep under roof, as there are a bunch of people out there who are struggling just to find a place to sleep. I eat two or three times a day while there are so many people out there who are dying just to eat one spoon of rice. However, let me pour my feelings into writings, since I can't talk about them to anyone nor do I have the desire to even if I can.

I have to admit, I am not fine. It's funny how I still smile, though. Thanks to the ability I have for keeping what I feel to myself, even though there are times I am being suffocated by them.
I am pretty confused of how I really feel as well. Sometimes I feel like I'm a useless person and I feel unwanted and I feel I am a burden to everyone around me. I feel like I'm never good enough. As a person, as a daughter, as a friend, as a student, or whatever you call it. Oh no, by writing this, I don't need your pity AT ALL. I don't have any intention, other than to let this out. Just so you all know.

I realize people don't care, they are curious. It hurts more to know that they can hear me, but they can't understand. I often think that it's just a dream, but if it were, it won't hurt this much. I need a friend rely on, ears to hear, and body to hug. I feel so lonely. Very lonely. Even when I'm surrounded by a million of people, I still feel lonely. That's why I prefer to sit in front of screen and write, rather than gathering with so many two-faced individuals out there and let them know my problems. No, thank you.

Everyday is just another painful day to me. Waking up to another day sometimes hurts me, because staying strong is sometimes too painful. I am surrounded by so many amazing people actually, they laugh, they yell, they scream, they tell a story, and so on and on so on. However what hurts me is why can't I be like them. Why can't I get out what suffocates me, why can't tell I feel. So I just sit there in the corner of the room and trying to figure things out, while counting on my only-self. Only me.

But just like what I said in the beginning. I am more than blessed to complaint. I have to take this as a trial in order to become strong. You have at least to fall in order to get up. So, God.. I am grateful :)

Long time no see.
It's me writing again, for you.

A quite long time has passed, just like how wind blows. There are so many thoughts in my mind and it tortures me, knowing that I don't know how to let things go, out of my mind. I realize that everything's over and I've moved on. I forgot you, but no matter how hard I try, you have that 'special' kind of thing, in which I lay my love on. No problem, I can handle it.

Things have been so much easier as I decided to accept and face the reality, the. I'm truthfully tired, physically and mentally, of thinking, and thinking and thinking. When I was thinking about our good old days, what I could remember were only the bitter memories, the. I don't know where the good ones go. However, everytime I find them in the place they are hiding, I still feel the pain. Don't ask me the reason, because it's too painful and I can't explain. --- The sky gets more cloudy but the pain in my heart is slowly being healed. The rain may haven't stopped but it has turned into raindrops.

Thank you for the past 2 years (or less). It's still you. I love you, then and now. However I can't promise you 'forever'. It's pretty long and it's pretty painful without you. Lets not walk together but lets say hi if we accidentally bump into each other someday.

Sincerely, me.

New Road?

Even since the day you were born, trust me or not, you may had felt the feeling of pain. You also sometimes had no idea how to deal with pain, how to solve the problem and how to figure out what happened. The one thing that you have to know is, everything is temporary. So, if a good thing happens, appreciate it. And if a bad thing happen, don't fall too deeply into a depression, because it won't last forever anyway. Although to deal with a long period of pain isn't easy, though you sometimes might come to a point where you don't even feel anything anymore, just keep moving, don't stop there.

Though I don't believe in happy endings, I know everything will get better. Even if it will take years but time will definitely heal. Besides, there are also some pains that can be healed but can't be erased. I mean, once you're hurt by someone and you forgive them, you may think it's over. But honey, it doesn't, since pains left scars. I bet you know how hard it is to erase the scars which sometimes will remain a lifetime.


So dear you, we may don't talk anymore, we may have stopped calling each others' names, but trust me, I still love you with all of my heart. There were also times when I said that I will forget you and I hate you. But I did. I did try to forget you, and until right now, I'm still trying, but how come it doesn't work? I did hate you but how come my love is stronger?

And hey, almost everyday, they ask me about you. They asked whether I've forgotten you already or not when they know the truth. So I had to lie that I have forgotten you and everything about us, because darling, it's so painful to talk about past. I really can't deal with that one. It kills me. That's why I've always kept my mouth shut when they talked about you.

Anyway, a very happy birthday to you. I pray that every path that you have chosen will be waged by God. Every road that you take will be filled with happiness. And if you're going trough bad times, know that things don't last forever. Neither the good or bad ones. Geez, I look like a pro but trust me, it may not be easy, but things will get better.

Go make some wishes then blow up the candles. I love you and God bless. Once again, happy birthday, the! xx