Say Goodbye! ✌

I'm in tears writing this. That moment was so hard for me to breathe. It's probably the worst thing that ever happened to me. To be honest, I've never cried that hard for a guy. I don't know it's a waste or it's a lesson. All I know is I have to move on. I know that it's not the first time I'm talking about moving on. I don't know that this would work or not but I think this time, I'll make it happen because my heart doesn't want you to be in it any longer. Me too. I don't want you to be a part of my life any longer. I've convinced my heart to let go. I've opened my heart for someone who is worth the fights. You know that I cried for you that moment, but you just didn't care and the fact is there's one name running in your mind right now. I can't say any words. It just hurts me extremely much and I'm just so done with it. She is my friend. I tell her almost everything about him. This is really out of my mind. Beyond my imagination. Far for my expectation. This time, I won't hurt you the way you hurt me like I always do to those who hurt me because I don't wanna be involved in any affairs with you. Like I said, it's all over. I hate you. Goodbye. Thank you for all the pains you gave me, the bad and good memories you gave me, the irreplaceable heartache you gave me. I won't care about you anymore, I won't smile at you anymore, I won't disturb your life anymore. You've got what you want, right? Have fun with that girl. Once more, I hate you. So much.

p.s: I hate your friend so much for underestimating a crying girl.

Everything Has Changed

I've always been able to say no, I don't care. I've always been able to say yes, I don't need him. What seems strange now is everything turns into something different. I'm not brave anymore to walk in front of you nor to look at you. I'm not as brave as I was to talk to you. Everything is completely different from the first time I knew you. The first time I knew you, we talked like we're friends and laughed at each other. Lately, you're not the same person as you were anymore. All of a sudden, you distance yourself from me, you act like you don't know me, you ignore me and you avoid me. That feeling is just like a wound which is sprinkled by salt. I feel like I can't stand this anymore. I really want the old you back. I really want the old us back. I want you to stop avoiding me and talk to me like usual.

The more I'm trying not to look at you when you're there, the more I feel something is pulling my eyes to look at you but I'm not as brave as I was anymore. I can't do it right now. I wanna smash this feeling. I don't want to feel this any longer. Moreover, the fact is you hate me so much. No, baby. You don't need to be worry. I knew it already, a really long time ago before you describe it into words. I know who myself is in front of you. I am nothing. I'm such the dust in a large vast dessert. I've figured it out too.
 
I still have feelings for you. I still love you. I still need you in my life. I do still want you. I still want to see forever with you, but all I know is; forever is just a lie because the old you doesn't exist anymore. He's only a memory to me. What I'm trying to tell you is; if you hate me so much for loving you, I'm sorry for loving you too much with all my heart.


p.s : I'm sorry that I keep acting like I don't know how much you hate me.

Him

He stole my heart and threw it away like it's just a trash. He's not even my type. I don't know how to describe him in words. I love staring at him, but I just can't do that anymore. I always try to look around when he's all I'm looking at. But he doesn't know what hurts me the most.
What he knows is I like him not I love him. He doesn't know that I need him in my life. I mean, I can live without him. Even happier. But I just don't want it to be happened. I can be a bitch sometimes and probably he hates it a lot. I know. I can see it in his eyes, but he doesn't know how much it hurts to keep everything in my heart.
"Just move on." "He's not worth it." they keep telling me about those things.
What they don't know is 'the way.' The way he made me laugh, the way he made me smile, the way he made my day, and the way he haunted me in my dreams. They don't know how to forget our old memories.
Yes, I do want to forget him. No, not because of them but because of him. I've always been saying that almost all of my decision I've made, is because of him.
It hurts trying to stay still. It hurts to pretend like I hate him. It hurts to pretend like I've moved on because actually I can't see anyone else except, him.

I thought, loving him were just a dream.

A dream where I can sleep and I don't get hurt.

But then I found out,

If it's just dream, it wouldn't be this hard to survive.

"The more that I look around, the more I realize, you're all I'm lookin' for."

Hi October

Here's me writing for you, again. I miss you. I miss the old you. The one who doesn't ignore me, the one who doesn't act like a stranger when he looks at me, the one who hasn't changed yet.
If I make you feel burdened because of loving you,
I'm sorry.
If I'm the one behind your tears,
I'm sorry.
If I'm the one who makes you lose your spirit,
I'm sorry.
If you hate me so much for loving you,
I'm sorry.
If it's true that loving you is a mistake,
I'm sorry.
If falling for you is a crime,
I'm sorry.
If saying you're the one is wrong,
I'm sorry.
If being exist in your life makes you hate me,
I'm sorry.
Most of all, I'm sorry for being such a shit in your life. I know how much you're trying not to meet me. How much you ignore me, how much you hate me for loving you too much.
But, do you know how much it hurts?
I mean,
When you have a crush on her,
I stay.
When you're in a relationship with her,
I stay,
When you broke up with her,
I stay,
When right now you're in love with another girl,
I still stay.
When I'm trying my hardest to forget our old memories,
you came unexpectedly and added the new one.
Then, you left me like I'm just a trash. Although I have no idea about the girl you love, I bet she's beautiful.

You don't know how much it hurts to forget you.

If Only You Knew, Would You Care?

"He won't care"
"It will be useless if you told him how do you feel about him"
"You're nothing to him"
Those words have been running trough my mind lately. I know that how much I struggle to tell you how much I love you, it will be useless.
I've always been trying to let all of these things go but yeah it hurts like hell and you're always the one that make me feel  unable to let all these things go.
What matters now is the way I control my feelings. If this always happens every single day, I don't know what would I be. Gosh help me.
They. I mean, that girl. She always makes me jealous of herself. No, I don't hate her. Not at all and yes, she has nothing to do with me unless she hurts you.
Today aka your day. I can't say anything besides putting your name in every line of my prayer. May your day, starting today will always be a good year, a blessed year and may your day will always filled by happiness ahead.

I'm with you, although I don't have tons of chances to be with you.
I'm praying for you, although you don't even care.
I'm still in love with you, although you always make me as a broken-hearted girl.
I still cry for you, fall for you and care for you without your request.

p.s: may God bless you in every step you take. I wish you all the best.

-your secret admirer xx

thank you ☺

I can say that these past few weeks have been perfectly hard. I know that's all my mistake for keeping this feeling in my heart, for not letting you know about this, for being so selfish. I've known that since the first time I met you, I can never control this feeling and it would be this hard to love you but I've been ready for that. That's why I choose to keep this feeling in my heart, and the second reason is i know, you love her and if I told you how much I love you, you'll feel burdened. Maybe.
I've been thinking about this lately while I'm depressed "if I really mean nothing to you, why should I keep holding onto you?"

What hurts me to the fullest is until you have no idea how much I've always wanted you to stay and say "can you just stay here for a little bit longer?"

Does she love you better than I do? Does she care about you better than I've ever done? Is she willing enough to wait for you and getting hurt over and over again? I know, she's much good-looking than me, smarter than me, taller than me but she can never love you better than I've ever done, I mean better than I do.

I can see the way you look at me. I'm not that special. I can feel the way you call my name. No, you don't call it with love. I can hear the way you talk and you don't mean it. Okay, but it's not problem at all. I'm getting used to it. Is it the time that I should say "goodbye?"

p.s: i wish you take my hand and say "don't worry. i may be leaving, but my heart stays."

"Galau terus." they told me.
Less than 232 days left.

I knew these day would come, it doesn't matter how much I wished they wouldn't come and they have always asked me to let him go, to move on but I've always answered I won't do that, this time. The reason isn't because of I'm acting like I'm a tough bitch when inside, I'm completely broken. No, not at all but because I'm not strong enough to move on when we're still in a same building almost everyday. Isn't it seemed painful?
I'm completely in love with you. How could you do that? I mean, without doing anything, you can make me smile uhm, 'cant make me control my smile' actually. Do you see that? The way I'm trying to hide my smile when I'm walking next to you, when accidentally we meet while walking in an opposite direction or the way I look at you or even the way we talk? I know you don't :-)
It's actually hard to hold on because I know I'm gonna lose you in less than a year. I'm sorry for loving you too much but I'm also always trying not to love you anymore but it hurts like hell because you're still there. I think what they told me about this, is perfectly right "you thought you've moved on, but then he's there and you can't breathe."

Stupid really. I know almost nothing about you. Your hobbies, your favorite colors, your favorite subject or whatever it is. The only thing I know, is you're a naughty boy, a smart guy, a gentle-man.

p.s: you gave me so much to remember.

Time a.k.a The Reason Why I'm Feeling Uneasy

Since the school starts again after almost 1 month holiday passed, I have no choice to live my life. Because my mind keeps telling me that, the only chance I have to see your face is quite short. I'm feeling so uneasy. I really want to know the reason why am I so pathetic when it comes to love, why am I so weak when it comes to farewell, why am I so stupid when it comes to, you.

Do you know how much I admire you from the back? How much I love it, when I see your face even just your back. I freak out, almost every time. To be honest, it's not on purpose to love you from the beginning. I don't even have any reason why I stay, why I get hurt when those memories of us haunt me. 

Everyday I wake up in the morning, without knowing what's gonna happen, who I'm gonna meet, where I'm gonna freak out, I always think about you. I don't have so much time on my hands, to see your face or to see your smile. There's one thing that I really don't want to be happened. We're separated by distance. Rather than seeing you go, I think it's better to me if you kiss a girl's lips right in front of me with my opened-eyes. Everyone maybe thinks that I'm so stupid, but like I said, I'm just too weak when it comes to farewell.

The reason why I act like I don't like you, like I just don't care, like I'm so strong but in my heart, you're still the one. Why I act like I don't like you is just because I don't want everybody knows about this. I'm afraid, if you knew about this, you'll run away and act like you don't know me and it really makes me feel so uneasy.

Babe, I'm sorry because I don't have the courage to tell you how much I want you to stay, how much I want you in my life. I know, it hurts me so much and no matter how much I'm trying to be strong or even to be a tough bitch, you will always be my biggest weakness.

And now, I just want to tell you that:

How could I turn back the time, so that I can erase all of the memories we had, so I can erase this feeling about you.

p.s: when you think that I will let you go because I don't want to love you, you're surely wrong and when you think I'm going to give up on you, then you must have made a wrong statement too. I'm here to stay even you're going to leave me. with love, your secret admirer.

"Hari ini pastilah hari yang bahagia buat kamu. Aku ikut bahagia. Karena dari tempatku berada, aku yakin aku bisa melihatmu. Melihat engkau tersenyum walaupun aku tak bisa menyentuhmu lagi.

Maafkan aku karena aku meninggalkanmu Milli. Tapi sebenarnya aku tak pernah benar-benar melakukannya. Aku pergi bukan untuk meninggalkanmu, tapi justru menjadi abadi bersamamu.

Aku bukan penulis. Aku hanya ingin mengutip salah satu dari tulisanmu di novel pertamamu. Dimana sang tokoh selalu merasa melewati jalan asing. Mencari, entah apa. Berlari, entah untuk apa.

Ratusan persimpangan dilewati, lalu di abaikan hingga kerinduan menjelma menjadi bayangan sepanjang perjalanan. Akulah tokoh itu dan kerinduanku akan menjadi bayanganku. Kerinduan pada suatu hari milik kita pada satu persimpangan dimana kita pertama kali bertemu." -Nathan

I'm Afraid of Reality

When words aren't able anymore to describe

When mouth has been locked, don't know how to express

When all your fears come true

When you don't know where to go

When sky gets darker

When eyes get more swollen

When clouds cover the sun

When fake smile covers the tears

When you almost go to a wrong place

When you're almost lost

When you almost fall apart

When you're almost  broken

When fears has controlled your life

When smile has faded by tears

When ears get deaf

When eyes get blind

What will you do?

My Definition of L-O-V-E

 

Love can't be observed, but it can be perceived.

Love, it can't show itself but it can be felt.

It requires sacrifice. 

Love can't be forced.

Real love is sincere, not by coercion.

Real love comes from sincere heart, that's why when it comes out and perceived by someone, it can be perceived sincerely as well.

Love can't be paid, can't be forced, can't be created as a bet stuff.

Once more, it must be sincere and comes from a sincere heart so when it is perceived by someone, it can be perceived sincerely as well.

LOVE IS PRICELESS.

I hate letting myself waiting for something that isn't going to happen. Which means you and I wish I could give you the ability to see yourself trough my eyes so that you can see how special you are to me.
I LOVE YOU.